Because They Say So

NOTE: This is a rewrite of my original article "Random Useless Knowledge".

Why is English the most screwed up language on Earth?

In a nutshell? Because it's totally and completely arbitrary!! 

Isn't that a wonderfully unsatisfying answer? It was to me when my college mentor answered a question that had bugged me since the age of seven. Why is a 'door' called a door?  Answer: Because it's totally arbitrary, and some guy in the long ago decided, 'hey, we'll call that a door'.

Okay, in reality, it's a bit -- okay, a lot -- more complicated than that. But the essence of the reasoning remains. There is NO reason! Frustrating? You bet!

English is screwed up and so difficult to learn for a number of reasons, but it can be narrowed down to a few salient points. This is, by no means, a complete history of the English language. It is Wordsmith's hope that this will eventually produce a full series of articles.  

1. English is a Germanic language. "But," you say, "what does that mean?"  It means, dear ones, that English comes from a language family that is connected to the languages that sound rather gutteral: German, Icelandic, Baltic, Russian, etc. These languages are harsh to the ear and even sound barbaric. If they sound like they're clearing their throats a lot, it's probably Germanic in origin.

2. Along came the Vikings (this was actually a job description, not a nationality), who brought with them their little language idiosycracies --like the silent "e" and two different "th" sounds -- when they invaded and settled in with the Britannic natives.

Additionally, the Gaelic tribes had massive migrations around the same time. English is an absorptive language, and acquires foreign words all the time. We got a lot of our 'cr' words (crag, crane, etc.) from them kilted guys.  This is when OLD English, as in the original Beowulf (not the malt liquor), was at its peak.  

3. A Latinate grammar was imposed upon this Germanic language, thus adding a layer of complexity. This happened twice. First, when the Romans conquered Britain, and again, when the Normans conquered under William the Conqueror/Bastard (that really was his title). The second time, it was a Latinate grammar with a definite French twist.

English grammar is actually much like the grammars of Spanish, French and Portuguese, which all descended from Latin.  This is where we enter the period of MIDDLE English, known primarily from the works of Geoffrey Chaucer.

4. William Shakespeare & the Renaissance.  More than anyone else, old Billy added hundreds of new words, making it even harder to learn and keep up with. By the way, Shakespearean English is considered to be, by people who study the history of the language, MODERN English. Yes. That's correct. No, I'm not kidding. 

And, that, my readers, is that.

Oh, there were a few more changes here and there.  Primarily, these were the invention of the printing press, the Industrial Revolution, and the publication of Samuel Johnson's dictionary (which ultimately led to today's standardized spellings). However, they are not considered linguistically significant shifts in the evolution of the language, and today's English is not, grammatically, that different from that of The Bard.  

Modern language geeks (etymologists and philologists, as they are properly called), will tell you that English is once again undergoing growing pains induced by industry, this time by the Technological Revolution.

Email, texting, Twitter, social networking and other digital mediums are quickly reshaping the face of the language. And giving rise to a new type of technician -- Language Techs -- who must be able to decipher, decode and communicate across multiple generation gaps. 

So to paraphrase: "Get in, sit down, strap in, pay attention, and hold on!" Because this thing we call English is like a pickup truck in a fishtail -- you don't know where it's going to end up!

-- Wordsmith --